I know my goal this year is to appreciate, but I have a confession I need to get out of the way first: I didn’t have a good Christmas this year and it’s all my fault.
I was physically ready for Christmas. I was listening to Christmas music around Halloween, I had all of my shopping done, and I (mostly) knew what the plan was for the four Christmases we must attend as children of divorced parents, but I just didn’t want to do any of it. E and I are blessed enough to live close to our families so we see everyone regularly, so Christmas really isn’t that big of a deal. There really aren’t any gift-gifts, just gift cards or cash – which is totally fine, but why bother? Can’t we just get together for a nice dinner instead?
And, the guilt! E and I decided not to spend Christmas Eve night at his mom’s so I could actually wake up in my own bed and chill out Christmas morning. Yeah, she got a couple comments in about how sad she was we wouldn’t be spending the night.
So, yeah, poor stinking me for what? Having family who loves me and gives me gifts and wants to spend time with me? Ugh, I’m such a bitch sometimes. And what’s my problem? That I don’t want to see my family? No. That it’s just taken for granted that we’ll always show up? Maybe. But so what? I’d be a hypocrite if I said I didn’t take things/people for granted sometimes. Is that why I feel the need to go away for Christmas? So they’ll miss me? Maybe. Because really, what’s going away going to do except make everyone celebrate Christmas on some other random day. E’s an only child – they’re not going to do it without him.
So anyway, Christmas kind of sucked. I wish I could do it over so I could change my attitude, because I know I can’t change my family. We’ll never be the family who celebrates Christmas in Florida or in the mountains of Colorado or even with a fun tradition of making up a new cocktail every year. Our moms will always give us presents we (thankfully) don’t need, and hold dinner for us. And the kids will always get way more toys than they need.
I appreciate my husband for putting up with my craziness. I appreciate that my family loves me, and that E’s family loves me. I appreciate that everyone has jobs and enough money left over to give gifts to those they love. I appreciate that I have the money, the flexibility, and the desire to travel. I appreciate good food. And I appreciate bloody marys.
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January 3, 2012 at 3:05 pm
Sizzle
I think you can still appreciate all that stuff and still not have a great time at the holidays or want things to be different. It’s hard as we become grown ups with lives of our own where the holidays are concerned. I feel a pressure from my family to show up to watch my nephew open gifts. He’s up at like 6am! And my boyfriend is not a morning person. And I want to have our own little morning Christmas just the two of us while I also want to be there to bask in my nephew’s joy. He’s growing up so fast and this early morning elation won’t always be the driving force behind our scheduling. I felt mostly stressed out about the holidays this year. My family is all strapped for cash and we’re trying to save for a house but we have the most money out of all of them so it often falls to us to pick up the tab if we want to do anything with them. I am struggling with a bit of resentment about that and I feel ashamed that I do.
I guess what I’m trying to say is I relate and you’re not a bitch for wanting things to be different.
January 5, 2012 at 6:08 am
mainlyclearskies
Thank you for this comment! I can relate to many of the same issues you have, too. I guess everyone probably struggles a bit at/with Christmas in their own way.