So, other than my hair still falling out (and the fact I can’t get in to see a new derm for FOUR MONTHS), 2014 ended on a much better note than it had started.

We went to Vegas in November, and then Tucson in December, and I pretty much ended up with nearly the month of December off from work.  After Christmas, I went to bed Friday night, slept all day Saturday and all Saturday night.  My sad little introverted self needed some re-charging after two full weeks of family and friends.

And now here I am in 2015.  My goal this year is to heal myself.  I want my hair to stop falling out, I want my rash to FULLY go away, I want to start seeing a therapist, I want to take care of myself.  2015 is the year of healing – my physical health, my mental health and my spiritual health.  They all need some TLC, and I’m sick of treating myself like shit.

So, here’s to a healthy, happy, kind-to-myself 2015.

Some friends/co-workers and I had lunch with our friend/co-worker who is going through the bad time.  It was a little awkward at first, then conversation was ok.  She had to change her stories a couple of times – because it’s hard to keep things straight when you’re lying – yes, we know she is.  And the anger.  She is so angry.  I guess, in my naivety, I was thinking after a month at a rehab place and another month of therapy (that is on-going), she would maybe feel good about the decisions she’s made for her path forward and, I don’t know, feel good about moving forward – away from the place she was before.  I don’t know.  I’ve never been through any of this before.  And her comment toward the end of our lunch, “I can fake it with anybody” in relation to something else we were talking about, but kind of hit home, like, Are you faking it with us right now?  I don’t know.  I hope and pray she finds whatever it is she needs – peace, strength, a healthy outlet, a breakthrough in therapy – something that clicks.

On a sort-of-related note, I’ve been to two acupuncture appointments now – an intro/short one and a full one.  The day after the first one, I had two random moments of thinking, I feel good.  And the day after the second one, I had one of those thoughts.  I don’t know where the thoughts come from, and if I search for the “good” feeling, I can’t find it or pinpoint it.  So I hope this is all working in my subconscious.  I definitely didn’t mind sneaking a little midday nap during my second appointment.

So remember how I used to think people where kind of crazy when they said weird things happened to their body when they turned 40? Um, I’m really sorry about that, Karma. I’ve learned my lesson, you can go now.

I’ve had a pretty stressful year this year (for me. I realize this is all relative).  The stress decide to manifest itself as a rash/hives combo thing – along with feeling tired and just bad.  When it first started, then started to spread, I went to my doctor.  She said, I think it’s an allergic reaction to something. Let’s wait a bit, and come back if it gets worse.  Well, it spread, but it didn’t get worse – like no open sores kind of thing.  One day it pretty much exploded all over my body.  So I went back to the doctor and said, It got worse!  She said, I have no idea. Do you have a derm? (thankfully, I do) I’m referring you to your derm.

I had to wait another few days to see the derm, and had an appointment with one of the PAs (the one I hadn’t met yet).  She was a little bit wacky-dr-frankenstein-ish, but went as far as taking a skin sample and ordering blood work.  She had an idea what it was, and prescribed some meds – both OTC and Rx, but wanted to be thorough. (thank you!)  The funny part (because there is always at least one) was when she said, Have you been in the sun?  (because a lot of my skin was very red like a bad sunburn)  I said, No.  But was thinking, Obviously you don’t know me or you’d know I shun the sun like a vampire.  I’m the only one who goes to Cabo and comes back as white as I was when I arrived.  So it made me laugh.

 

The other funny/odd thing is that I had just been to my dermatologist for my normal skin check.  I had the flushed/red skin, but not the full-on hives thing that happened pretty much the day after that appointment!  Anyway, my moles are all good – see the part about shunning the sun like a vampire.

So yeah, guess what, I’m not invincible.  Apparently approaching 40 is just a nice reminder that I’m not 21 anymore  – you know, the age where you think nothing bad will happen to you/you won’t get sick/that only happens to other people kind of thinking.

Also, my eyesight is getting worse.  I will soon be wearing those ‘cheaters’ eye glasses.  Good times.

I’ve found a new doctor I’m meeting with next month.  My first appointment is an hour, which I hope is a good sign that this is someone who will really work with me to help me plan a good lifestyle moving forward to keep me healthy well into my old age.  I’ve been reading some books on healthy living, and doing things now to stay healthy.

I’m also trying acupuncture, because if I’m going to stay healthy, I really need to work on my stress.  I’ve had my intro appointment and just a short treatment, so I’ll know more when I’ve had at least my second – but full – appointment.

A month ago one of my friends (and co-worker) tried to commit suicide.  She wasn’t successful, thankfully.  And she is currently in a rehab facility getting intense therapy.

Meanwhile, I (and our other friends) are left behind to wait and worry and hope, and while I can’t speak for them, I’ve been feeling a mix of emotions.

I’m mad. Mad that she did this, that it was selfish, that she’s in a shitty relationship that probably contributed to this, that she doesn’t want to give up this relationship.

I’m stressed.  If I’m allowed to be selfish for a moment, stressed about the VERY increased workload I’ve had with her gone, stressed enough I think it’s what’s causing weird red patches on my skin.

I’m worried. About her, about her going back to her shitty relationship, that things won’t chill out at work, that these weird red patches on my skin are something bad, worried that I won’t be able to take a normal vacation where I won’t be worried about work, worried that I don’t even have a vacation planned.

I’ve never had anyone close to me in this kind of situation before. I’ve never dealt with this before. Never thought I would have to.

I also think maybe it’s time for some therapy of my own.

I recently started taking Pure Barre classes. I really like it. I’ve noticed a difference in that I’m tighter all over. I like the music. I like the instructors at the studio.

I’m not very good at Pure Barre. I’m not very good in the sense that I have to take at least one break during some moves, and I still can’t do all full push-ups.

I know I CAN be better though, so I keep going. Instead of being defeated and thinking I’ll never be able to do it so why try, I see it as a challenge to see how good I can be.

I feel the same way about golf. Golf can be the most irritating, frustrating game ever. I’m not that good at it. I still can’t remember everything for every swing, and I usually don’t remember some important factor until the 7th hole or so.

But I know I CAN be good at it. It’s there. I just need to practice, to keep working at it.

Sometimes I get stuck on things I can’t do, and I just need to remember that maybe I can’t do them YET.

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